The first time I went running in 2012 was the last weekend in January. In 2009, I completed my first half marathon and haven't consistently gotten back on the "running" bandwagon every since that time.
I miss running. . . It's a freeing feeling especially when you hit the moment or stride when you almost feel weightless. It's the time after you start and want to quit but before the "bear" comes down on your joints/muscles.
While running, I started to feel like my heart was breaking. No, not from the run, but the feeling you get from a bad relational break up. . . (Do I really need to describe it? O.k, just for clarity sake. When the guy says, "Baby, it's not you. It's me." or "We didn't mean to fall in love. It just happened." or "I'm just not happy. I don't think you are happy." etc. I think you got the picture! ;-) ) Anyhute, I was running and a wave of emotions came down on my like a "Jones". I was going through the million and one things that could cause this feeling and questioning the reason for me to feel this way now. What was going on with me that needed to awaken my conscious and deal with something? What do I need to change, if at all, in my life that is causing this feeling? Why now?
I started to go through what happened during that week. (I ran on a Saturday.) I thought about my job/career, my social/community activities, my family, my spirituality and my friends. The strange thing was that I felt the same amount of anxiety/ angst from each of the main categories. So, then I thought what is the common denominator in those categories: ME. Ewww, I hate it when it's me. Next, treading carefully (with my feet and with myself), I started to think through some things and ask myself some questions. . .
What is happening around you that has made you feel less than your best? What have you neglected or pushed to the side that you need to do? What is bothering you and you haven't move to solve it? Have you inadvertently allowed someone else's mess to infiltrate your head space? What are you still "stuck on stupid" about and haven't done anything to change it? What are some things you really need to "let go and walk away from?" If you have identified those things, what are the reasons why you haven't acted upon them? What are you afraid of?
These questions that flooded my mind became overwhelming that it messed up my breathing as I was running. However, after going into a run/walk for the last loop around the park, it gave me time to sort through this myriad of questions and allowed myself to not do the past practice of berating myself for being human and not having it figured out by now mood. . . (I know I'm not the only one who is a recovering "I set high standards and beat myself up when I fail to achieve them" type of personality.) So, this is what I concluded and is becoming an active action plan. . .
1) Check yourself daily and sometimes hourly. Just don't let things foster when you need to tell something, do something or say something.
2) Do what you don't want to do first. It makes it easier and most of the time your load feels lighter after that task is completed.
3) TIME MANAGEMENT. . . #thatisall
4) Don't be afraid of the word no. . . saying it and hearing it. . . (Great reminder: How to Say No: The "B" Side of Self-Care)
5) Watch out for the lady called PROCRASTINATION. . . She's a bad witch with a b. . .
6) Never forget to forgive others and yourself. . . Sometimes especially yourself. . .
7) Treat the things folks say to you as items in a grocery store. . . Some items you pick up and keep and some items you leave on the shelf. . . Make sure you pick up and keep the items that are healthy for you. . .
8) Multi-tasking is a sleazy witch with a b, too, and it can keep you coo-coo. (Kinda goes back to #2) Do one thing and move on to the next and then the next.
9) There's nothing wrong with failing. . . forward. . . It means you step out there to do something about a problem, situation or struggle. . .
10) If you need to weep, weep. If you need silence, find some silence. If you miss someone, miss them. Don't beat yourself up for being human. . .
11) Sometimes you can't blame all of your problems on how you grew up, who/what was done to you back in the day, etc. If you are an adult, you got to take some responsibility for the actions you make now because the time or situation you keep referring to as the reason for your messed up choice(s), the other party (because there's always another party) ain't thinking about you or what they did/do to you. . . Therefore, why are you?
12) Lastly, it is what it is. . . You can't change everything. You can only change the way you act to them.
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