Superwoman Complex + "I"m Every Woman" meet "Beautiful"

I've been dealing with the superwoman complex for quite sometime now. My mantra, "I'm every woman!" is what I thought I should subscribe to and become and in my 20s. Believe you/me, I was gunning for that title full steam ahead with plenty of fuel with a dose of just sheer "this is what adulthood is about" naivete. You see in K-12, I had plenty of people to tell me I wasn't good enough because of the many and one reasons they could find that was "wrong" with me.  So, what did I do?  I got a stiff lip, lifted my head up high and buried myself in my school work and activities so I can prove people wrong.  I never dealt with the feelings that it made me feel not so quite right, insecure or "not good enough" to be in the top class, win competitions, be "most popular".  All of those accomplishments to me felt like it had an * (asterisk) behind them because it was myriad in motivation mixed with personal desire to achieve and personal desire to prove something to those "wrong-finders".  

In my 20s, the feelings of K-12 just continued and manifest in other ways.  There's always something more important than me and again the feeling of accomplishment with an asterisk just continued to grow.  I had to choose:  Finishing college or me?  I chose finishing college.  Getting that first post-collegiate job or me?  Getting a job after college.  Finding my passion and paycheck or me?  Finding my passion and not just a paycheck (Didn't that have to do with me?  Yes and no.  It did began the journey of identifying some of my weaknesses and choosing me-somewhat.)  Surviving a year and half of unemployment and strengthening my faith in myself and career choices or me? You guess it. . . Did all of these things had something to do with me?  Yes.  Did those decisions inadvertently help me (soul)? Of course.  However, I had an outlet.  I had a way to not show my vulnerability (well, so I thought).  Food.  In all of my life changing events, there was no where in my plans (accidental, by choice or by divine purpose) where I needed to focus on permanent lifestyle changes. I did loose weight in my 20s-- approximately 40 to 50 lbs following a diet program and exercising.  However, I was still feeling inadequate and not good enough.   (FYI: The unemployment phase of my life was more about conserving money than it was retraining my eating habits because what happened when I get employed. . . I got fat and "happy". . .

Now, I've settled into my 30s and rethinking, planning and exploring my own needs and wants and being honest with myself about how those childhood or near recent experiences have snowed ball. Furthermore, I'm exploring if the motivation is purely from my own internal personal odometer (What's In Your IPOD?) or do I have that * or additive added to my ingredients.  Is it because I want to have this or that particular success? Is it because I don't want to look bad in front of my peers or be the laughing stock/but of a joke?  Is having these tasks/jobs/to-dos covering up my own insecurities?  What am I pushing into my ever expanding black hole that I don't want to deal with it until. . . all hell breaks loose in my tightly-held, controlled, very careful-crafted, delineated world?  What am I missing because I don't feel I'm capable, able or beautiful enough to achieve it?  I'm guilt of caring and "portraying" this Superwoman Complex + "I'm Every Woman" persona, but now they need to meet: Beautiful. 

For the past eight weeks, I've been researching me.  I made a commitment of going to the gym at least three times a week. (Which I've been successful. . . Congrats, me!!)  I've being conscious of what I eat, why I eat it, when I eat and what I feel when I eat.  I've fallen off the wagon and then gotten back on.  I've been taking time to really observe and figure out what is the source of the overeating and giving myself at least one hour, three times a week that is about the one to-do list item: ME.

I realized I feel ostracized or insecure when I feel like I slid into home base just in the nick of time or got into the gate right before the locked door closes.  Most people feel a since of pride, but I oftentimes feel like I wasn't good enough until the end-- until after you picked all the people you really want on your team and now you have room for me.  You see. If I don't pick myself first on team ME, than why would I expect anyone else to pick me first, too?  Beautiful is the new me.  Choosing the best of me first is the new mantra.

Enjoy--India.Arie: Beautiful!